Caught a virus just in time to miss the one event I wanted to go this year. I have no social life outside of work right now. I'm just trying to rewire my mind to accept that things aren't meant to go my way. To be content with what I have and nothing more. To hold no expectations and to not "plan" anything. That way, I won't be disappointed. Maybe that's an immature approach, and more than likely shows how truly lucky I have been and how spoiled I am in life, but my experiences over the past several years have culminated in this mindset. I know a lot of people have it far worse, and I should be more grateful.
My Mom's pain is worse today. It brought me a great deal of anger. I am angry at the world and at God (if there is one... I'm agnostic) for her continued pain. I keep asking, often in anger, for it go away, and if not, to be transferred to me. I just want her to not be in pain, at any cost. Unfortunately she heard me expressing my anger and that made her unhappy. While I'm not hitting or physically hurting myself (I feel too weak to do that right now anyway), I have to be a little more covert about this so that it doesn't upset her.
At least I helped her out today even though I felt a bit like sitting at certain points. I can tell I'm running a low grade fever, but that didn't stop me. Her health is more important to me right now. Although it would've been nice if we did this tomorrow instead of today. This was my one day off work, and I have to be back very early tomorrow. Maybe I can rest a little bit now, but it's not going to be enough.
(I will say that my Mom wanted me to stay home today but I wouldn't let her do this alone - I'm concerned that she'll worsen her injury. She wanted to make chicken broth for me because I'm sick and I couldn't convince her out of it, hence I went along.)
I haven't been eating well at all. No appetite at all. This little sickness extended it. I'll gradually get back to a more normal diet as I get better physically and mentally. At least I can see my abdominal muscles and even some of the intercostal muscles clearly, but those love handles don't want to go. Stupid body lol.
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