Compared to a few weeks, this is a pretty big jump for me. Without an ounce of exaggeration, I was at the point of loathing myself more than anyone or anything else in existence, so getting to the point where I simply dislike myself thoroughly - and just barely tolerate my own existence - is progress. And I do mean this in multiple ways: physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, artistically, etc. The only thing I sometimes don't dislike is my beard (since I advertently keep it well-groomed), but even that fluctuates often.
I don't recall liking myself for a long time, even when I returned to a relatively decent state. Typically, I used that to fuel my own self-improvement, which is arguably a healthy approach to having a very poor self-image. Nevertheless, no matter how much I'd "improve," I still did not like myself any more.
To some degree, I fear that if I do start liking myself, I'll lose the drive to continue improving. To not be able to grow as a person is a touch horrifying to me, even though I admittedly haven't really "grown up" the way a man in his 30s should. While I'm on vacation, plus when I finish my residency program, I would benefit from picking up some additional life skills so I could be more independent. At least then I'd have some direct actions to back up my limited self-worth.
That's not to say that I'd really think much higher of myself when I accomplish this. However, at least I'd be more equipped to deal with life on my own. That's pretty important.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
