I often wonder how many people in this world put on a mask to hide their imperfect sides, swear a smile and greet their colleagues at work, wear makeup and go shopping with family, friends yet they are wasting away inside.
It's like you can't give up yet you just want to say, fuck it and give up everything.
I have been in the phase once upon time, I couldn't even tell what I was feeling anymore, it went from not sleeping anymore, feeling numb, not feeling hungry, thinking about past pains and just laying there feeling helpless but the moment my friend or any family member calls and ask for my help, I'm running to them with a very fake smile and I used to wonder if nobody could see through it but at the same time I wanted nobody to see right through me, I didn't want to feel vulnerable.
It took awhile to get back on my feet, I wanted to communicate my feelings to someone but I was doing it the wrong way because I was hurting and pushing people out of my space, I thought hurting others would communicate how hurt I was but that was so wrong of me; and that’s why I can relate to (Alexander Stewart; if you only knew) If you only knew what I was thinking, what my mind was asking me to do, how the voices in my head wouldn't go silent even while I was quiet.
I also could relate to another of (Alexander Stewart song; I'm trying) I'm trying to get up and survive like everybody, I'm trying to even my cold, dark and lonely days, I'm trying to not cry when I feel the urge to scream out the pain.
So I often wonder if I'm battling my imperfect self, battling my own demons, what about others out there who are facing more, healing takes a long process that I was told but sometimes I wonder what about some scars that never heals, how do one survive with such pain. What about those who died never knowing what it feels like to be free from being hurt, from past trauma. And then I look at myself and feel grateful that even within so much pain, I'm trying to heal my wounds and move forward.
Image from my playlist 🎧
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