I lost my only sibling around this time last year, and my life has never been the same since, and it probably never will be, no matter how deep the wave that sweeps through my entire existence. I experienced a crack in my mind and something broke inside of me, and that break just feels irreparable.
Time has passed, things have happened, many sleepless days and nights, many unexpected events have occurred, and I still feel the same, and I have most likely lost faith in many things. I have come to some unfair realizations, and these things bring uncertainties, which aggravate the pain.
I have made a lot of hasty decisions over the last six months. Decisions that I could have made more slowly or after careful consideration. My new reality has allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage.
You know how when you are on a lonely path, you either walk or don't. Deep down, I understand that I am broken. I spent the 22nd of this month reliving the events surrounding my brother's death and everything I could have done right.
I wished for many things.
Perhaps I could turn back the hands of time, have an evil technology that could transport me back years or decades, or simply awaken from this dream and realize it was all a dream. But I have been sleeping and waking, and this is reality; there is no way I can stop my pain or change it. Of course, I have not even begun to consider my depressing health complications.
It is like combining different sad thoughts and realizing you have nowhere to hide. These complications have depleted my savings, and I can not tell you how many times I have been under the needle to test blood or urine. I have seen more hospital walls this year than I have in my entire life.
I recognize the sickening pungent odor of the wards, the way it raises my heart rate and blood pressure, and how I return home with some very depressing test results. It is been my lot in recent months.
However, the Lord has been my strength.
I do not have the strength to go on most days, but I have recently discovered some distractions. They do not work like magic, but the hours when I am not thinking about the uncertainties are when I truly live.
However, I am grateful for the distractions I have found along the way; they have allowed me to get busy and lose myself. When I am not focusing on increasing my strength through faith and grace, I am praying to see beyond all of the negativity in the present.
I am constantly asking for the ability to see something other than the pain I wake up with every day. However, it is not easy. It is easy to believe that we can adapt to new situations quickly, but this is not the case. I have seen people lose their faith in life as a result of chronic conditions; they have developed hypertension and lost the will to fight life's battles.
There is no way to heal permanent damage, but I have realized that the assurance provided by God's word, as well as the minor adjustments we make along the way, may work miracles, for which I am grateful.
There is no physical or mental healing for some of the most difficult battles; you must seek spiritual comfort or continue to drown; there is no positivity, and no human adaptation can repair chronic conditions. When things do not heal, no scars form, and when a wound cannot form scars, it remains fresh and alive.
However, I am still thankful; the Bible says, Give thanks in all things, and I have discovered the grace to do so. Last week, I delivered a medication to someone who has been suffering greatly. I did so through my aunt, and I am constantly hoping that this medication will work for this person and put them into remission.
Some people are in unimaginable pain, and after a year of fighting my own pains, I feel compelled to do more for those who have suffered as much as I have.
We can never truly understand suffering until we have experienced it ourselves, which is why the world is mindless. We have the government taxing everything, including medications that can actually relieve the pain of others; it is a senseless world in which people fight to the top without considering the true realities of others.
I have visited a number of hospitals and realized that medical care is designed for profit rather than care.
The world is becoming increasingly mindless by the day, and it is ultimately up to those affected to band together and form a force. You cannot heal among people who have never experienced pain; furthermore, people who are thirsty will never seek water in the same way that those who are not will.
Over the course of a year, I discovered and learned many lessons, and it took losing my health and everything else to realize this. Going forward, I trust in God's plans because I can only take one day at a time.
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