I do not know about everyone, but there are feelings I really struggle with and I hate myself for it. Okay hate is a strong word, so I would say, I do not like how I am when I am under pressure. The fact that I am under pressure already makes my mind raise so much that it is hard for me to keep up with a lot of things, and when I look back at the end of the day, I discover a lot of things are undone and I begin to feel ashamed. The feeling of shame drives me into somewhat of a self destruction mode and if I am not careful, the only thing I might feel like doing is causing harm to myself.
Image by DC Studio on Magnific
Note I said feel, not really do it. I have only attempted to do it once and I am glad I failed to do it. But the fact still remains that when I begin to feel this shame, I become secluded, I become all in my head replaying all the events that have made me feel small and wishing the ground would just open and swallow me. I guess it is safe to say that I am a very proud person and anything that wounds my pride makes me feel small and ashamed and although it is something I still need to work on, it’s not an excuse for my actions.
I hate myself because I feel I am more than whatever has happened and whatever I have done and for that reason I should probably have done better. The self guilt, and blame just gets into my head too much. I then begin to feel I do not deserve the people around me, especially those who support me so instead of going to them, I run away from them and I begin to misbehave when that happens first because I am not thinking clearly and secondly because there is no one to guide me.
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