used to be one of those women who believed that if you suffer with a man from the beginning, struggle with him, encourage him, pray with him, and stay when there is nothing to enjoy, he will never forget you when things finally become better. I honestly believed that.
I thought a man would always remember the woman who was there when his pockets were empty. The woman who managed with him when things were hard. The woman who encouraged him when his plans were not working. The woman who stayed when leaving would have been much easier.
I thought, “If we build this together, when we finally get there, he will always know that I was there too.” But the older I get, the more I realize that life doesn't always work that way.
Sometimes, the person you suffered with can become the same person who makes you feel like you are no longer good enough for the life you helped him build. And honestly, that thing hurts.
How do you explain the pain of being told you are no longer your partner's standard after years of being there? How do you explain watching someone you built with suddenly behave as though your sacrifices meant nothing?
You were there when he had almost nothing. You encouraged him. You adjusted your own life. You probably turned down things you wanted because there were more important things to handle at the time.
You believed in his dreams even when other people didn't, you prayed for him, you celebrated the little victories with him. And then, somehow, after the money comes, after the success comes, after life becomes comfortable, you start hearing things that make you wonder if the person you knew ever really existed.
Suddenly, you are not beautiful enough, you are not classy enough, you don't fit into his new lifestyle, you are not his “standard” anymore.
And sometimes, another woman enters the picture. The woman who was there when there was nothing is suddenly watching another woman enjoy the comfort she helped build. Honestly, what could be more painful than that?
I don't know if this happens more in some places than others, but I know it happens. And I know there are women who have experienced it quietly, behind closed doors, while everyone outside thinks they have the perfect marriage.
This is not me saying women should never sacrifice for the men they love. No.
There is nothing wrong with supporting your husband or building something together. Marriage is supposed to involve sacrifice, patience, support and teamwork.
But somewhere along the line, women need to remember themselves too. Please don't spend your entire life building someone else's future while completely abandoning your own.
Build with him, but build yourself too, have something that belongs to you, earn a skill, build a career, start that business, save money, Invest in yourself, continue your education, take your dreams seriously. Not because you are expecting your marriage to fail.
Not because you don't trust your husband, but because you matter too. Your dreams matter, our future matters, your identity matters.
And if you are going to spend years helping someone build an empire, you should not wake up one day and realize that you have nothing of your own except the memories of how much you sacrificed.
I think women need to stop believing that suffering is proof of love. Sometimes we suffer because we love someone, but love should not require you to completely disappear.
Be a supportive woman, but don't forget to support yourself. Stand beside your man, but don't abandon yourself while standing there. Build together if you can, grow together if you can, win together if you can.
But please, my sister, while you are helping him become everything he wants to be, don't forget to become everything you want to be too. Because nobody should have to beg to be valued for the sacrifices they made.
And nobody should have to lose themselves just to prove that they loved someone enough. Build with him, but don't forget to build yourself.
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