I spend my days being someone’s mum, holding everything together and making sure everyone is okay. But when the noise fades and the house finally settles, I’m just a woman in her thirties, sitting with her thoughts, still learning, still growing, and trying to figure life out one day at a time.
Sometimes, I think people forget that mothers are human beings too. Maybe it's because we are so used to seeing mothers doing everything, taking care of everyone, and somehow finding a way to keep going even when we are tired, but the truth is, sometimes we don't even know what we are doing. We are just figuring things out as we go.
All day, I'm someone's mum. There is always something to do, someone to attend to, something to think about, or something that needs my attention. Even when I sit down, my mind is still busy thinking about the next thing. Have I done this? Have I forgotten that? What are we going to eat? What needs to be done tomorrow?And before I know it, the whole day is gone.
Then the night comes, the house gets quiet, everyone settles down, and for the first time all day, I can actually hear myself thinking. That is when it hits me, beyond being a mother, who am I becoming?Am I where I thought I would be at this age? Am I doing enough for myself? What happened to some of the things I wanted to do? Am I growing into the woman I always imagined I would become, or am I just so busy taking care of everyone else that I've forgotten to check on myself?
Honestly, I don't always have answers to these questions.I'm in my thirties, and some days I feel like I should have more figured out by now. I thought that by this age, I would feel more settled in certain areas of my life. I thought I would have a clearer picture of where I'm going and how I'm going to get there.
But then, life doesn't always happen the way we imagine it. Sometimes, I look at myself and realise that I'm still learning. I'm still trying to understand life, trying to make better decisions, trying to grow, and trying to figure out what happiness looks like for me at this stage of my life and in between all of that, I'm raising children.
Children who need me, who look up to me, who depend on me in ways I don't even think about sometimes. I love being their mother, I really do. But there are moments when I miss having time to just be me. Not somebody's mum, not the person responsible for making sure everything is okay, just me.
A woman who has her own thoughts, her own dreams, her own worries, and sometimes, her own uncertainties and I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that.
For a long time, it can feel like saying motherhood is hard means you are complaining about your children or that you are not grateful for the life you have. But that is not always the case. You can love your children with everything in you and still feel overwhelmed, you can be grateful for your family and still want to do something for yourself.
Both feelings can exist at the same time, some nights, I don't even want to do anything serious. I just want to sit quietly and think about my life. Sometimes I want to dream a little, sometimes I want to worry about the future and sometimes, I honestly just want to rest without feeling like there is something else I should be doing.
I guess I'm learning that motherhood is not the only part of my identity, even though it takes up so much of my day. I'm still here too. The woman I was before motherhood is still somewhere inside me, she is growing, changing, and probably discovering things about herself she didn't know before.
She may not have everything figured out, but she is still trying and maybe that is okay, maybe I don't need to have all the answers right now, I might need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to have life completely sorted out just because I'm in my thirties.
I'm allowed to take my time, I'm allowed to change my mind, I'm allowed to want more for myself while still loving the life I'm building with my family and yes, I'm a mother all day, every day but when the house finally goes quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm just a woman trying to figure things out, one day at a time and honestly, I think there are many mothers out there who understand exactly what I mean.
Sometimes, we take care of everybody else so much that we forget to ask ourselves one simple question, how am I really doing? Not as a mother, not as a wife or partner, or as the person everybody depends on, just me and maybe that is a question we all need to start asking ourselves a little more often because we matter too.
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