I don't know how to write this without crying, but I think I need to be honest for once. I keep telling people that I am fine. "I'm fine."Those are the words I have been saying over and over again.
But the truth is… I am not fine. I am tired. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. And for the first time in my life, I don't know what to do next.
There was a time when I was the girl everybody loved in my family, I was always available. If someone needed help, I was there. If someone needed support, I tried my best to provide it. I gave what I had, even when what I had wasn't much.
I never thought about what would happen if one day I became the person who needed help. Then I got sick.
And somehow, everything changed. Everything I had spent years working for, everything I had gathered little by little, everything I thought would give me some security in life… disappeared. I still don't fully understand how everything went from being okay to being this difficult.
Sometimes I sit quietly and ask myself, "How did I get here?" I don't have an answer, but I keep pushing.
When I didn't ask anyone for help, I was told I was too proud. So eventually, I swallowed my pride and asked. And when I asked, I was told I was asking for too much and that hurt more than I can explain.
Because the truth is, I wasn't asking because I wanted a luxurious life. I wasn't asking because I wanted to live above my means. I was asking because I was struggling.
And the most painful part? After being told I asked too much, I still didn't receive the help I needed. So I stopped explaining, I stopped trying to make everyone understand.
I simply turned my attention to my family. My children still need me, My husband still needs me, and I need them.
My husband has been trying so hard to keep our family going. He gives everything he can, but recently, things became even worse, he was scammed, now he has debts hanging over his head.
His phone can ring from morning until night because people are asking for their money. Sometimes I look at the phone ringing and I don't even know what to say. Sometimes I screen the calls because I simply don't have an answer.
Not because we don't care, not because we don't want to pay. We just don't have the money. And watching my husband carry all of this breaks my heart. He is tired, he is sick and needs rest, but how can someone rest when there are debts waiting for them?
How can you sleep peacefully when you don't know where tomorrow's money will come from? And then I look at my children, they are supposed to resume school next week.
And I am sitting here wondering how I am going to prepare them. The school fees are not even an enormous amount. But when you have nothing, even a small amount can feel impossible. I don't have everything they need.
And as a mother, that feeling is heartbreaking. There is nothing more painful than looking at your children and knowing exactly what they need but not knowing how to provide it.
I don't want my children to suffer because their mother is struggling. I don't want them to look back one day and remember only the things we couldn't afford.
I don't want them to feel the weight of our problems, I want them to have a childhood, I want them to go to school, I want them to have opportunities, I want them to dream without worrying about whether their parents can afford those dreams.
I have tried to find a way out. I've joined charity and assistance groups on Facebook. I have reached out after seeing posts about people who help families in difficult situations. I have sent emails.
I waited for replies that never came, I've submitted my CV to different places, hoping someone would simply give me an opportunity to work but nothing.
No call, no opportunity, no breakthrough. And every rejection makes me wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong. I have even thought about starting a small business. I have the willingness to work, I have the strength to learn, I have ideas, what I don't have is capital.
I don't want someone to give me a comfortable life, I want a chance to rebuild mine. I want an opportunity to work and stand on my own feet again. I want to wake up one morning without immediately thinking about debt, school fees, food, bills, and everything else waiting for us.
I want to breathe, Just breathe.
Maybe that is why I am writing this today, because I have reached a point where pretending that everything is okay is becoming too painful.
I am not writing this because I enjoy asking strangers for help. Believe me, I don't. But here I am today because I don't know what to do
I need help. Because right now, all we need a breakthrough. I don't know who will see this, I don't know if anyone will care. But I know I cannot continue pretending that I am okay when I am not.
I have cried, I have prayed, I have worried.
I have felt helpless, but I am still holding on, because I am a mother.
And mothers sometimes cry in silence, wipe their tears, and get up again because little people are depending on them.
So here I am, not pretending anymore, I am struggling. I am tired, I need help. But I am not giving up, I still believe that somehow, one day, I will look back at this chapter and say,
"We made it through."
Thanks for checking on my blog and have a wonderful day
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