I woke up completely disoriented. 1000 images still spoke to me from my dreams, things I’d rather not talk about in too much detail. Most of them should have evoked terror but none of them did. Uneasiness, yes, there was still plenty of that, but not fear.
In this particular dream I was faced with three or more kinds of existential threats at once. But I also remember a moment sitting outside of barn, in a place that is not here, somewhere deep in the country with mountains in the distance. It looked like how I remember outside Salt Lake City or Colorado when I went on a trip to that area when I was 13.
I looked out at the barn from a bench across an abandoned street with blurry eyes. I squinted and realized everything was pixelated…a reminder that reality is a complex and mysterious thing, as if to say, don’t take it too seriously.
When I woke up I realized it was two hours later than I had hoped to wake up and I had missed a package. I was reminded of all the things I had to do today and on top of that I had a full inbox of messages from friends planning to visit, friends I am trying to organize some projects with and friends I have been catching up with.
I unconsciously started replying to the two friends who I am closest with and found myself in two serious discussions about life. My eyes were hardly even open yet.
Usually I wouldn’t jump into these kinds of conversations (or anything until I’ve fully woken up but I was caught off guard by how late it was.
I found myself answering some questions quite pessimistically. A problem I often have is finding the framing to communicate with people. Now they call this code switching. It’s not something I want to do, it’s something I have to do because while I’m not calling myself a shaman, I take a shamanic or esoteric view of most things.
Even just saying that, I am sure I lost someone. If you have no idea what I am talking about, maybe start with Carl Jung or Alan Watts?
My experience so far has been that if I don’t try and “be normal” sometimes, I run into a few extra struggles in my daily life.
My answer to this thus far has been to try and hide those parts of myself and stand out as little as possible. Now I’m starting to realize that it would have been easier if I had just established myself as an artist because then people would have a way to understand my behavior. It may not always be accurate but it would leave me with a lot less explaining to do.
And so because I view my inner and my outer experience as a mirror, I can see how those dreams and waking up in such a flustered state may have served to illuminate something.
After getting quite negative in a conversation with my friend I realized that my answers were an automated response. I need to earn an 25k in 6 months and that’s a pretty daunting task on the surface. So I felt I needed to explain to him why I was focused so much on creating music and videos that I do not really expect to make me any money.
I often try to explain myself in this way to avoid lectures and unwanted advice and gossip and losing clients who might see me as irresponsible or unrealistic.
But I realized this friend understands me pretty well. And so I caught that I was in an automated response.
From my view THIS is the important work I need to be doing. Rooting out old insecurities, improving my physical and mental health, creating an environment where I can act out of excitement every day.
I know that I can provide value as easily as I take a shit in the morning. Yes, I shit gold, and I think completely unhindered, we all can. The problem is, how do you sell gold when people see it come out of your ass?
Well you can’t be insecure about it. “Uhh sorry I promised I cleaned it well”. “You know I hope one day I can start extracting other people’s gold…”
No, you gotta own it, “Yes, I shit gold, how awesome is that!? And you can too!” If you are confident enough and know that it’s a normal thing, some people will understand. And if you can teach people to shit gold, you can actually start to change things around you.
So while everyone around me is living under the false beliefs that life is supposed to be hard and work is supposed to be miserable, I can’t let myself fall into their framing. That’s not something that someone who plans to make a career shitting gold can do.
Because if you let yourself believe that your shit is just shit, it’ll start to smell, and no one will want to buy it, even if it is gold!
And that’s what I believe the universe is trying to tell me today. I already have people who see the value I offer, rather than hide the process and pretend Luwak Coffee is just regular coffee, I’ve gotta show the world how I shit gold and always remember that it is gold.
Sometimes it needs a little bit of refining and a nice package if I want to sell it, but once people dare to look at it long enough, they’ll see it’s gold too!
I hope this piece of gold came out as fun as it was to write. I never intended it to take the turn it did but I am quite happy it did. Time to follow my inspiration to the next piece of gold!
Here are some of my latest pieces of gold:
A new music shorthttps://youtube.com/embed/GpNP3e8rMFU?si=5HU8A2_Dkl3yxN8a
My first EPhttps://open.spotify.com/album/3sNytUgudlvAO4CWBrYtGB?si=mNs61cGWQL-vUYkT9M8PQw
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