I just turned 39 and I’m not one to dwell onwhat could have been, but I am exploring the idea of what I might regret more than usual, just as an execrise.
So when I say regret here, it’s not as if I dwell on any of this or beat myself up about it. I’m just exploring what I would have done differently, the kinds of things I change if I could do it all again.
Life is what it is and there’s always possibilities in the moment.
…..BUUUUT If I had to do it all again…
I wouldn’t have studied some thing that gave me more opportunities.
I wouldn’t have tried harder to fit in.
I wouldn’t listen to all that advice coming at me from parents and teachers.
I wouldn’t have become a doctor like my parents would have loved, or a psychologist like I was once on the road to becoming.
I wouldn’t have gotten married earlier or rushed to have kids.
If there’s one thing I could’ve changed about how I lived my life, I would’ve gone harder. I would have put more into everything I was doing. I would have had more conviction but less need to convince anyone of anything.
I would’ve tried to pack a bigger punch. I would have done everything I did but I would’ve done it to the extreme and with as much humility as possible.
I would’ve faced my fears earlier, and then done all the things that I was too scared to do, and eventually ended up doing anyway or will end up doing in the future, but without all of the worrying about what COULD happen.
Fear has held me back so much. Fear and judgement.
I would have judged less.
Even if something was wrong, I wouldn’t have tired to fight it, I would have offered an alternative and put everything into nurturing it.
I would have prioritized getting out of a victim mentality at all costs.
I would have learned to love the things I loved earlier on, without all the hesitance and resentment and worry.
I would have learned to accept things as they are and put all of my energy into making the most of them, pushing for more peace and more love and more fun and creativity without the so much attention to my own doubt.
I would have realized that the end result doesn’t matter as much as what you do with what you have. In the end, we all die, and regret is inevitable and pain and suffering is inevitable but I feel best without that resentment and doubt, and failure feels far better than always playing it safe.
I would have faced the monster inside of myself rather than try to take on the monster in everyone else. Because when you face the monster inside yourself, you can heal it, and gain all of its power without any of it’s hate. You become whole.
I would have made that a priority from the start and gone fucking hard and let the chips fall where they may.
But I only have this moment right now to work with, and so rather than dwelling on anything, all i can do is try to live that way right now.
I no longer feel desperate to change anything. If the world wants to follow my lead, it will, and if it doesn’t that’s ok too. If it all falls apart, at least it was a good run. But I want to live shamelessly and without holding back. I am going to be the best I can fucking be in my own eyes and have faith in what’s possible, whether it comes to pass or not. That’s all I can do.
And if I fuck up and piss it all away playing video games, that’s ok too. Whatever I am inspired to do, I will burn through all my hesitation and do it and I won’t feel an ounce of guilt if I haven’t violated anyone else in the process.
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