“We did it" I brushed my palms over the new cushion. I felt Mark's hands wrap around my waist, my shoulders slumped instantly and I felt myself lean back into his arms.
After all this time, I was Mark's wife and he was my husband. The world felt right. I had everything I could ever want.
“We sure did, Luna." For a moment, we just stood there in our living room overseeing everything. Taking all the work hours, taking in all the pain.
“Our house is beautiful and complete, mante.” I turned around to face him, my hands crossed around his neck and our faces inches apart. I could feel his arms tighten around my waist, his palm resting on my lower back.
" You're beautiful, mi amor.” His face curved into a smile
“But we're not complete." I could feel my smile turn upside down. There was no way Mark was talking about that now.
I leaned in to kiss him but he moved back.
I frowned and dropped my hands.
“You're avoiding my kisses." Mark tried to hold me, but I moved away. He chuckled and came closer.
“Baby, I would never avoid your kisses, you know that. " He reached out and grabbed me, and before I could protest he kissed me. I tried fighting, tried to ignore how soft his lips were, how his hands gave me the safety of childhood, and how my heart raced when I got something I always wanted.
I relaxed in his arms, but then I remembered why he was hugging me, and I pulled away.
“Why would you bring that up." His face flushed. He stepped back, and for a moment, I wanted to lose this fight and wrap my hands around him, but I couldn't. He wasn't going to let up.
“I don't want children, Mark." I saw his face drop, but I wasn't letting down, not yet.
“You knew this before we got married, why is this still a topic?" I could feel my chest tighten.
Would this be the beginning of our end?
I've known Mark loved children but I had made it clear I didn't want one now, not in this generation, not in this evil world. How could I protect them? Guide them from harm?
I stared at Mark, he wasn't staring at me.
He looked at the floor and glanced at me, then looked back up and sighed. I waited for an apology, anything. But he was quiet just watching me. I felt my fist tighten. Was he just going to stare at me? Ignore this obvious dispute
“You're not going to say anything?” I crossed my hands over my chest. He looked at me again, sighed heavily, and leaned on the wall nearby.
“I want children, amor. I really do. You said we'll talk about it when we get married but you keep avoiding the topic. " He pushed himself off the wall and walked towards me. His hands stretched towards my face.
“No." I swiped his hands away. I watched his expression turn sour, watched his hands drop lazily by his sides but I didn't care.
“No, you don't get to touch me and bring this up when you know it upsets me." My back was off the couch now and I was glaring at him. When he chuckled.
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Why are you laughing? Do you think I'm joking?” I felt my blood rise and I could feel my face turn bright red.
He shook his head and turned around.
“You're an adult that doesn't want conversation because it's upsetting? Well, welcome to marriage, where every conversation won't go your way. " He started walking into our bedroom. Each step felt heavier than the last. Mark never stayed in the room when he sensed an argument. I wanted to yell at him to come back and face me but I stared there. Tired and angry.
How did we turn this happy day into this? I hated our fights. I wanted to reach out and apologize, but I didn't. I wouldn't back down.
So before he disappeared behind the frame. I yelled the last words.
“I don't want kids, now or ever.” Mark's shoulder stiffens. He didn't turn around, but I could sense his disappointment, but I didn't stop.
" If you don't want that. Maybe we weren't meant to be.” I waited for a response, anger, sadness, anything at all, but all I got was a nod, and he walked into the room. I felt my resolve weaken and I crashed to the floor, silent sobs, how a love-filled night turned into a risky argument.
I heard my phone buzz, and when I saw the name, I felt my resolve break further.
“Come and sit beside me, Rae. Tomorrow Mark will be back to his senses." I dragged my feet across the soft rug, my arms around the blanket and the softness of my pj's on my skin. I felt a tiny sense of peace back in my childhood home.
I had gone over to my childhood home, where my mother had put on our favorite animated movie, made snacks and popcorn, and pulled out my childhood blanket that gave me security.
It did something to my heart, a light tug of the tiny movie nights we did when I was a child. I sat down beside my mother and lay my head on her lap. I felt her palms stroke my hair softly and I curled into her lap. I watched her press play on the decoder and I watched it take seconds to load. Then I heard the familiar theme song and I could feel the child in me grow.
“What if I can't protect my baby, mama. How you protected me.” I tried to turn away from the TV and face her but she gently pushed my head down.
" Eyes on the TV, Rae. I'm listening. Why do you think you can't protect her?” I felt myself smile, but I didn't have an answer.
" I don't know, mama. The world grows progressively bad, I don't want to give her anything less than you've given me.” I watched the characters dance in each other's arms and I remember my parents and I’s dance party, when they'll turn up the music and dance with me on stormy nights.
Could I give my babies that?
" My Rae, you could never give anything less. You're over the top already. “ She patted my head softly and then I felt a kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes and smiled.
“The world has always been bad, chica. You can't let it be bad from living. You're a great daughter, I see the way you love your younger siblings, how you love your friends.” Mama combed my hair with her hands. My heart raced, my mind thinking about all the first steps I did with my siblings, assignments, games, and cover-ups I had done for everyone. The mama bear mode I instantly went into when I felt my loved ones were slightly hurt, emotionally or physically.
" You've always been a protector, you've always been a mother. If you want a baby, then have one. The world always needs more rays of sunshine, and even if you don't want more, you're always enough for me.” I watched the theme song play again. My eyes fixed on it, memories dancing in my head. The movie nights, the nights I would sneak to watch a movie with Dad and fall asleep in class.
I wanted all that with my children. I wanted to be a mother like Mama, I wanted to protect my baby, and I wanted Mark to be a father. And so I laid on my mother's thigh in silence. My tears dropped on her soft pj's. I don't know when I drifted into sleep, but when I woke up, I felt the familiar softness of my childhood bed and the smell of lavender and wood from my bed. I rubbed my eyes open and I saw Mark at the edge of my bed. His back was turned against me.
I felt my heart racing, had he come to divorce me? I reached out to touch him when my bed creaked and he turned around sharply. His eyes were red and he had tiny bags under his eyelids. My heart broke. I reached out to touch his face, but he grabbed my arms, and before I knew what was happening, I was in his arms in a tight embrace.
“I'm sorry, amor. I don't want children if you don't. I should have never pressured you. I.." I withdrew from the hug and put my hands on his lips. I saw the panic in his eyes.
“I want a baby." His eyes lowered, he search my face and cocked his head to the side. I watched him and smiled then slowly I nodded my head.
“Not immediately, but we'll have the baby; who else would I share my old stereo jams with? " Mark's confusion turned into the brightest smile and I felt my heart fly.
He hugged me again tight.
“ If you're sure, amor. Thank you." I let myself relax into his hold, we were good. We were going to be complete, finally.
Image is not mine
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