“You are such a disgrace”. Why will you of all people fail this course. You are supposed to be the best, so what happened? Why is this happening? why are you proving me wrong? I trusted you! I said you are the best, and nothing short of it, so, why are you proving me wrong?” These were the words of one of my lecturers in school. It was the first time I knew he rated me at all, talk more of rating me the best with zero possibility of failure.
Actually, I didn’t fail woefully. I just scored marks that were below his expectations, and it was honestly my first-time having marks that low, but even with that, I didn’t expect that because my results were always good, I wasn’t permitted to fail. I am only human, and humans are the only creatures that are allowed to fail, right? So, why will mine be different?
I remember Lolade telling me I was her role model. Wait, what? Role what? What exactly am I modelling? I laughed hard and asked her many times what exactly was fascinating about me that she took me a role model and she said, “you smile even in adverse situations. No matter how hard it gets, you always show up. And your modesty too, I appreciate it. Your calm demeanor, the way you speak, the way you think, and a lot more. Actually, if possible, I would like to be exactly how you are”, she concluded.
“Lol”. That was my actual response to the epistle she typed. Then I told her how the many things she saw may be façade, and most of them are just coping mechanisms I built over the years.
Laughing and showing up despite the adversities are basically coping mechanisms for me. I have mental breakdowns too, and I get super uncomfortable with a lot of things. I do many things that I’m not proud of such as dipping bread inside tea, and I do a lot of things that I give myself a pat on the back for. Everything is just a part of being human, and that is what I do, I live like the human that I am, and I do not expect that I am looked upon like a mini god.
If there is anything I don’t like, it is pretending to be who I’m not, and that, I’ve never done all my life. But, sometimes, people look me up, and draw up a creation of a perfect human, then expect me to live up to their imaginations. I have many attributes and people-pleasing has never been a part of it, so I tend to disappoint them most of the times.
I’ve met people that had seen me as snubby, rude and proud. I remember Tade and Paulo talking to me after we finally became friends. They both had the drawing of a rude, snubby and proud individual until we got close, then they found out that I tend to keep to myself when I’m among unfamiliar faces, but quite free-spirited.
I’ve been crucified many times by my dad for a lot of things that he came to realize cannot change about me. It is just a part of being me and most importantly being human. So, when I live up to the expectations of others sometimes, it is just me living my life the way I normally would without thinking about what people may think.
Last last, everybody that drew up a “perfect” version of me in their heads will realize that I’m nothing close to being God as all perfections belong to Him
All images are mine.
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